Secret Squirrel!

i don't know what to say, except i admire your honesty and courage. although i could never relate to what you have gone through, i feel that your wisdom at your very young age will get you through whatever. take care always and hang around here some more. i'd like to hear more from you.

peace, love, happiness, and Divine discontent,
~C (for Compassion)

P.S. as for (secret squirrel) confessions from this blogger-body-mind,
it's all in the Red ~C Diary.

Kim, if there's ever anything I/we can do for you, please let me/us know!!  So sorry to hear of what happened to you!  :(

hahaha. that's the attitude Kim. i bow to you.

but me depressing?! how could you?! i'm not depressing. i'm cool like you ;-)

too bad i can't speak the same for that Matthew guy. but don't worry Matthew is also cool (sometimes) when he's not being Mr. Goody Two Shoes. lol.

Mr. Clean?!  I'm the furthest thing from a bald chemical-promoter!  Kim, don't listen to ~C4Chaos (when it comes to me).  I'm blessed by how you've handled this and to be able to communicate with someone who can be so forgiving.  And the last thing I'd want to do is depress you.  So, you are a funny and strong individual?  Then you should definitely hang out with ~C and me.  Do you like Dilbert?  If we ever meet, ~C will buy you a Dilberito.  Then we can all laugh and be strong.

yes. Dilberitos will be on me whenever we meet on veganspace. why? because they are delicious hand-held meal that's fun to eat and filled with yummy tasting veggies, rice and stuff you like.

You are an amazing person Kimberly.  You have so much courage and forgiveness.  it's a maturity mixed with a compassionate humor.  You should be very proud of yourself!

-CC

Alright…If this is a blog designed to get “secret” stuff off your chest, i guess i'll post my second biggest monster in life.  I have indogenous depression.  It means that nothing outside of my body or mind is affecting me in any way, i just feel horrible for no apparent reason at times i have no control over.  There is no cure and the only treatment will cost $100 a month and the side affects are so wide and bad that i'll need meds just to control those, which will cost even more…  My main problem is that once i'm down, which is easy to do, I stay down and it's hard to get back up again.  I have tried to ignore it and pretend that i was just doing it to myself but that didn't help.  I tried to fake it, at the advice of a girlfriend i was dating, but it only made it worse.  I tried to force myself to be happy, but i fell flat on my face.  I have tried everything and the only thing i've been able to do to treat it, is to find new friends.  with every new aquantance, it's a new adventure and as long as i don't ge caught up with something only focused around me, i can deal with it.  However, it's like i'm running from something i know is going to catch up to me.  Eventually my problems will become to great to ignore and my depression will hit me like a semi.  I wish there were something i could do, but it just seems like i'm a broken person without the glue to put these wooden pieces back together.  It's hopeless in the end.  My dream is to have true love but who is going to want someone this screwed up.  Consequently, due to my avoiding the depression and trying to get around it, i gave myself some crappy side affects, which mainly consist of nuclear mood swings at the drop of a pin.  I can't predict anything about myself tomorrow and the instability costed me a relationship that i still had plenty to learn from.  I'm not proud of this and i'm quite embarrassed about it.  even ashamed. 

Now Kim isn't the only one with a secret on the line, so you guys pitch in too.

hey island girl,
                 Kymmi, has anyone ever called you a mutt. That's my mutt, Tyler,  in my lttle icon picture up there.  Mutts tend to be very intelligent, loving, funny, and beautiful in a one of a kind,  kind of way. People will say,  what breed of dog is that? Where can I get one of those?  Sorry, he's really a blend, a beautiful blend,  isn't he. I think you can see where I'm going with this Kymmi. It obviously applies to more than just dogs.
                 How can we weave our experiences together is such a way that we support each other?  The actual rape only lasted a short time but it has resonated through your life for four years. It's possible that you could still be blogging me about this after 28 years. Ah, yes,  28 years. See how easy it is to cross over to my side. Over the course of 28 years I gradually stopped living my own life and found myself sleeping walking through another's life(My former wife).   To realize that I hadn't created my own foundation of self was a very slippery slope. So what happened to you in a moment  that you have carried through time, happend to me through time, 28 years. But it took me only  a moment to realize  what I had done. In a way we are mirror images of each other. You chose guilt and shame.  So did I. In the aftermath of  separation and then divorce I slid down that slippery slope into depression.  For about a year I was clueless, sleeping endless hours, not returning phone calls, no appetite, losing weight, was it Tuesday or was it September. I would ask myself  how long is this going  to go on. Like a neverending flu. Totally wrecked. But time can be a wonderful antidote for your soul. One morning I woke up and strolled into the kitchen and announced to the dog and cat, “how about some  breakfast?” I clapped my hands, made some pancakes.  That was it. The soul is such a mystery Kymmi. Time is a good friend.  Gratitude.  Somewhere on Zaads I ran across a suggestion for remembering to feel gratitude for this life. She suggested  finding a small stone that you carry with you to remember, in the morning, in th evening. I think we both realize that the other side of guilt and shame is compassion. And we never would have realized it unless we had the strength to turn that big rock over. And of course the circle of friends and family, yours and mine(two sons and a daughter you remind me of). And let's not forget my mutt, my beautiful mutt, and you, another beautiful mutt.  Take care Kymmi.  Ron

Kymm,  Yes, a great way of putting gratitude.  It needs to be revisited often to keep  the picture in focus.  Life is so much about practice. Practice, practice. Your relationship with your friend will serve you the next time this comes up, whichever end you may be on. Things get easliy disguised as something else.  Were you in a position to tell this person what happened? I don't think either of you saw clearly.  Hopefully he learned something as well.  I like the “never ending stitch”.  Ron

Great blog.. I am enigma I don't let people get really close to me.  I am forever growing and changing. 

Namaste.

You are beautiful.

Kim,

First, be proud of yourself for your bravery, courage, and just down right determination. That you face it every day, publicize it almost openly, and have come to some form of internal resolution says more than words about your spirit. This spirit was especially struck by “…i think i'll hug him and cry! “. The willingness to forgive, and be willing to help the healing process of another whom has done you harm…this is a rarity in our current society of an eye for an eye, and then some more for my pain and suffering. We should all  act in such a divine fashion as a matter of routine.
You allude to having done things you regret…none can say they have not, not even the Dalai Lama. How you handle it from there makes a world of difference however. Its only to late to forgive yourself, and ask for that of those you have wronged only after you (or they) have passed away. In the name of love, is there any reason for us not to ask such?

And of forgiving yourself…your words demonstrate the turmoil that yet washes back and forth within you-

“….i'm ashamed everyday.” 
 ”…but really i'm just peachy! I always told myself i was glad that it happen to me than everyone else that i knew. ”

That you have strength enough is not the issue, otherwise you would not still be amongst the “living”. And where there is strength, also can be found courage ,such as you have already demonstrated. That such an event has changed your life forever, and the lives of those whom care for you, (like a rock thrown into a pool generates ripples), needs to be understood. You are no longer the person who was before, and never shall be again. Yet this different you can either continue to send these waves, even intensifying them, and affecting all around you, or, you can return to the calm and serene state, allowing these things to gentle to stillness and heal…albeit over time. This spirit knows that all are capable of such, and just from your other words, you seem well along the way.

Hopefully, you have sought help with this event, not necessarily even a counsler, but even a friend or close loved one whom supports you for you, not for some other purpose. As you have been wounded and are healing, you have, and can provide insight such as you have shared here, to others who are wounded in similar fashion. This may seem no big thing, but most often it is the small voice of encouragement, the warm smile in greeting, the comfort of a hug…little things that either help another float ,or sink them entirely through lack of receipt, or worse.

From one wounded spirit to another…Chase your dreams relentlessly, embrace your demons and hug them with love, look for synchronicity and divinity in the places of your spirit and life that you avoid or ignore, and most importantly, keep and open heart and mind.

Kim, know and remember that not only are you cared for by others, but loved for whom you are…and these by many.

May you and yours:

Be blessed in all things; Have any physical, mental, and spiritual ails healed; Discover, celebrate, and protect the divine which exists in all things; Know success beyond all expectation in all endeavours; Experience joy in each and every moment; and rejoice in unity in the warmth of Creation's all pervading love.

Love and Light